Fate?

I have always talked and thought about “fate” as if it were a thing that exists in the universe, while also keeping it ambiguous to myself and others as to whether or not I REALLY believe that important life experiences and events are “fated.” For over a year now, I’ve gone on with this idea and feeling that I have somehow denied fate. That I have made decisions AGAINST those that would lead me towards the path of my fate.

A feeling that I was somehow leading a false life.

When I chose to stay in college for an extra year to pursue my Masters in Teaching degree, my motivation was in large part fear. How would I make a living with a Creative Writing and Dance degree? How would I pay back my student loans? Am I really ready to leave college for the adult world yet?

When I chose to resume a relationship with someone who (despite good intentions) was taking me on a back and forth rollercoster one last time, after having promised myself that the time before would be the last, that was out of fear too. How could I say goodbye to the one person I have ever felt romantic love for? How could I risk losing my best friend?

When I took a job teaching 7th Grade English at an at risk public school in southern Virginia, I did it because I was afraid to apply for Dance Teaching jobs. How could I, when that would mean losing out on a 10,000 dollar grant for teaching in a high needs area?

When I quit said teaching job, that was out of fear too. Fear to waste a year being unhappy and doing something I disliked. Fear that time was running out. Fear that I was causing more damage than good.

All these decisions that I made out of fear I have been tallying up against myself as reasons why I haven’t been doing what I’m meant to be doing.

But what if…

fate happens only when you stick to one path for long enough?

What if fate is just another word for what feels right?

Now, my Masters in Teaching degree is coming in handy. I am writing and implementing dance lesson plans and coordinating Arts Education Programs at an Interdisciplinary Arts Center. My relationship has never been so refreshingly free of ups and downs despite having to work through plenty of practical hurtles. And, I am starting to gain the kind of confidence in myself that, had I gained it sooner, may have helped me succeed in making it through the year teaching 7th Grade English.

I guess sometimes life just feels wrong, and you work your way through it and you try and find the best way to be and the best decisions to make. You just keep going like that, until one day things feel right again

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